$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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