I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
