Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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