Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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