its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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