If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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