she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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