a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
