man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
