I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Randomize
