He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Randomize
