i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
