walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
