roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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