Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
