Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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