He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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