the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
