New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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