She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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