No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
