Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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