I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
