Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
