planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I would ride that face into the sunset
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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