somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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