I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i've created a new STD.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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