You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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