Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Alive.
So much puke
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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