Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
