ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
