There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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