Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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