I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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