just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You ruined the universe
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
