i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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