so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The power of my boobs compel you
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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