Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
