proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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