i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
