You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
