College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he thought i was a dude.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
