think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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