the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
