You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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