highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Mom said you looked used
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
