Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
