i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
