He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
