I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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