Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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