So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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