Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
