I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
