She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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