im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
