We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
