I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
