recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
