Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
