I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
