nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
